Isn't Once Enough?

Imagine.....

You have a new neighbor. They invite you over for a cook-out. They ask if there's anything you won't/can't eat. You don't want to be a bother so you don't mention how much you hate tomatoes.

You arrive for the cook-out. You see that there's a large platter of lovely fresh-from-the garden....sliced tomatoes. Clearly, they are your neighbor's pride and joy and they can't wait to see the look of delight on your face when you taste one. Do you say anything?

Imagine.....

You need a shed. Your cousin is a carpenter, you aren't. He offers to build your shed. You're watching him work and you're not sure he's laying down the foundation correctly or to the specs you gave him. But, again, he's a carpenter and you aren't. Do you say anything?

Imagine.....

You've got a 4-week old baby at home. You're exhausted. Your mother-in-law comes over to help. She offers to feed and bathe the baby while you get a desperately needed nap. You notice she's not bathing the baby the way you like it done, though it's not technically "wrong". You are soooooo tired. Do you say anything?

Imagine......

You've been having problems with your low back for a long time and have finally gone to see a physical therapist. You're a little embarrassed about your weight and general fitness level. You fear the PT is going to blame all your back pain on your weight and exercise routine.

The PT has you do a set of exercises. Some of them are difficult for you and kind of painful. But you sure don't want to seem like a whiner or a weakling. Do you say anything?

Imagine......

You've had a long hard month. Your shoulders are one big knot. You're also emotionally drained -- you learned your baby brother has testicular cancer. Your whole family is in shock. They expect you to take the lead on finding out what kind of help he needs and getting them all scheduled to provide that help (because you're good at that sort of thing). You need your shoulders un-knotted but you also desperately need a quiet space where you can let go of your worries and anxiety and responsibilities.

You're trying a new massage therapist. As he begins, he mentions that you should let him know if it hurts. He starts working on your back and -- holy cow! -- does it hurt! But he's the professional and you're not. Those shoulders probably need to be worked that hard to get them un-knotted, right? Plus, you really just want to let go and let someone else be in charge for an hour. Do you say anything?


There are a host of situations in life where we are invited to speak up when we don't like something. And there are a host of situations where we don't speak up. Maybe because we don't want to be inhospitable, or challenge a professional, or question someone's competency. Or maybe we perceive speaking up as "conflict" and we hate conflict. Or maybe we're shy. Heck, maybe we're just tired.

All of those things happen on our massage tables too. Yet we blithely expect the client to chime in if something doesn't feel good. After all, we uttered the magic sentence "please let me know if anything hurts".

I think we're naïve to expect that to work. We are not taking into consideration all the forces that keep people from speaking up. When they don't speak up, it doesn't mean they have a "problem" it just means they are like a lot of people, cautious to speak up and risk insulting or angering someone.

YET we can't always tell how our work feels in their body. We really do need their feedback. What are we supposed to do??

I think the key is not relying on the One Sentence.

I think our intakes need to be more like a conversation, not simply a quick set of rote questions.

I think we need to talk about what we mean by "pain" (and, please, no more 'on a scale of 1-10').

I think we need to work to establish the kind of rapport that helps them hear us when we say we need them.

I think we need to pay attention to the little signs of distress, like clinched hands or fluttering toes, rather than just focusing on that locked up trapezius.

I think we need to be the ones on the table with a stranger more often! We need to re-experience what that's like.

I think we need to ask how our work feels on the inside, not just say "does that hurt?" or "is that too much?"

 How do we do that? I'll answer that question in tomorrow's blog.