The Ultimate Narcissism?

It occurs to me that writing a book is, at its core, a supreme act of narcissism.

Here I sit, nobody in particular, devoting time and energy to creating something that's all about...me. My ideas, my philosophies, my experiences, my observations.

Then I'm going to put it out there in the world -- in print and electronically -- and tell you that you should give me some money for it. That my ideas, philosophies, experiences, and observations are going to be so valuable to you that you'll be happy to give me money for it.

Doesn't that sound like narcissism?

It's what all writing is, fiction and non-fiction. It's a quest fueled from deep within by a drive to share the stuff that floats around in writers head. Some of it is self-defense (I have got to get this stuff out of my head!) and some of it is supreme self-confidence (and it's so valuable that you'll be glad I did!).

I started writing stories when I was a kid. I got my BA in journalism. I spent 20 years as a technical writer and I still write newsletters and this blog. I can't stop myself!

Apparently my writerly narcissism is too well-established to ever be able to break free. :)

"I was fighting with myself in my head"

I've mentioned my cleaning lady, Kelli, before. She and I regularly have interesting conversations about running a small service-oriented business.

The last time I saw her, she was pretty agitated. The January floods have done a job on her business. She has both corporate and home clients. A lot of her home clients dropped her as they focused on repairs. The corporate clients have been in transition as well, facing mergers and new management that focuses strictly on the cheapest option, without taking quality of work into account.

She has other women working for her and worries about keeping them employed. She needs to re-coup the lost clients. She wants to move her business "up" a level but that means asking for more money (and being comfortable with that in her gut) and "buffing up" her image. She's thinking of adding a new revenue stream by purchasing a some property management contracts.

Sound familiar? Maybe not literally but if you've been in practice long enough, these are the kinds of questions and worries we often face.

The last time she was here, we talked about the process of making all these decisions. She, like many of us, frequently finds herself in conflict with herself. Her head says one thing and her intuition says another.

My advice? Never ever ignore your intuition. Your brain/mind only knows facts and data. Your intuition, your gut knows you. In the end, as small (micro) business owners, we have to be at peace with our choices. They have to work for us because we're frequently all there really is. We're staff and product!

When you think back on the major decisions you've made in your life, have you ever chosen your "head" over your "gut"? How did it turn out?

I'll find out how it's working for her when I see her later this week.

MT Dreaming (continued)....

Today, I fantasize about being part of a multi-speciality practice. It would be in a space with 4 or 5 practice rooms plus (my fantasy) room for meetings and workshops.

We'd pool our resources to pay for an office manager who also managed the front desk.

We'd have massage therapists, acupuncturists, maybe an herbalist or wholistic nutritionist, a wholistic psychotherapist, a yoga teacher, maybe a chiropractor.

We'd mentor new grads in each of our specialities, providing 1-year internships.

We'd not only rent the space to people who needed a place for their workshops, we'd actively sponsor speakers and workshops, bringing people in from outside the region, maybe even outside the country.

The practitioners would meet on a regular basis to talk about clients and identify areas for cross-over treatment.

And as long as I'm fantasizing....it would have off-street parking and be metro-accessible!

Being Taken Advantage Of?

When I moved to Brisbane (returning to the US in August!), I developed a referral list for my clients. Last week, one of my regular clients dropped me a note and told me her company was closing. One of my reactions was "damn! This is why I have the Pay What You Can model! So in times like these, she could continue to receive massage! Now I'm not there to do that for her!".

But then I read further in her e-mail and she mentioned that the MT she's seeing (the one I recommended) had offered to cut her fees for her while she was unemployed. Suprisingly, I felt like that therapist -- Gaynor Bourgeoise, God bless you -- had done me a personal favor. I was so touched that she was doing what I would do and she was taking care of my client so well.

(I still get a little weepy thinking about it.)

People come to us for all of the obvious reasons -- pain relief, stress relief, energetic jam-up relief, etc. -- but underneath every single massage is a simple desire to be taken care of.

All humans sometimes need someone to take care of them. It's one of the sweetest parts of our jobs, taking care of people even if only for an hour.

When someone experiences financial setbacks -- like unemployment -- we are handed an opportunity to respond to their needs specifically. Maybe we offer financial relief, maybe we don't. They're both reasonable choices given the specifics of our practices, our policies, and our relationships with our clients (and with nods to Connie Ridgeway, with ethical repercussions as well).

What I've noticed is that when MTs consider setting discount policies (sliding scale, Pay What You Can, donation, etc.) there is often a fear of being "taken advantage of". That is, someone who doesn't really need to reduced rate will use it or will keep using it long after they really need it. We're often so very very afraid of that happening that we don't offer any leeway.

I've been reflecting on that (in response to Gaynor's generosity) and a few things occur to me.

We may get hurt. Our relationships with our clients are (professionally-well-bounded) intimate. They give themselves to us but we also give ourselves to them. When we offer them financial breaks, we are trusting them. If they take advantage of that inappropriately, we're likely to take it personally.

Of course! And it hurts. And no one likes being hurt. All true. And I can go on to tell you all about how intimacy requires vulnerability and that being vulnerability allows us to grow spiritually, yada yada yada but, yeah, it's gonna hurt.

Can we handle it?

Do we trust our instincts? Some of us seem to be afraid that we won't recognize when someone is taking advantage of us; therefore we will be getting robbed without realizing it.

In my experience, though, if we get in the practice of tuning into our intuition and taking it seriously, we will know when we're being taken advantage of.

Can we recover from it? If we're taken advantage of, we fear it will destroy us financially. We'll lose our homes, our businesses, our lives as we know it (and probably have to live out of a grocery cart under the 14th St. Bridge....). The odds are that even if one person takes advantage of us, we are unlikely to lose our metaphorical shirts. In my practice, the worst case scenario is that I'll lose a few hundred dollars. I will notice losing that much money (and it will hurt) but it won't destroy me.

We can't say "no" / we can't confront / we can't be "not nice". I suspect this is the bigger barrier for most of us. When we suspect someone is taking advantage of us, we have to stand up for ourselves. We have to speak up and we have to be in conflict with someone. A whole lot of us would rather chew off our left foot than "do" confrontation.

Conflict is an unavoidable part of being alive and being in relationship with anyone. Anyone. It's not possible to have a close relationship that is so perfectly harmonious that you'll never have a conflict. Sometimes the other person will be the source of the conflict, sometimes you will.

You can run and hide from conflict, expending absurd amounts of energy avoiding it (and I know lots of people who do) but that's not a grown-up thing to do.

In addition to being loving, caring, compassionate caregivers we are also business owners and adults. It's crucial to learn how to look a client in the eye and say "no". Doing that helps us maintain all our sane ethical boundaries and we also need to be able to do it when we're being taken advantage of.

How many of our clients would be further ahead if, in addition to allowing us to take care of them, they learned to take care of themselves? As massage therapists and business owners, we have to be able to take care of ourselves as well. There are simply going to be days when "taking care of ourselves" means looking a client in the eye and saying "no". Saying "stop". Saying "I can't do that for you any more."

How do we avoid being taken advantage of? Well, literally, we can't. There's always going to be somebody who can get at us. But if we confront our fears, learn to trust ourselves, and get good at standing up for ourselves, we really reduce the the chances of it happening.

What Color Is Your Collar?

A few years ago I found myself engaged in an interesting conversation with a friend about my socio-economic status as a massage therapist. I used to work in the computer industry, as he still does.

Those are clearly "white collar" jobs. They happen in offices, often require university-level education, are usually paid by salary, and require virtually no manual dexterity. :)

I said something about having moved into the "blue collar" world when I became a massage therapist. He immediately jumped to my defense. My work required additional education and used my brain! Don't think of yourself as blue-collar!

What are the traits we normally associate with blue-collar work? Getting paid by the hour, working with your hands, if post-secondary education is required it's usually acquired through a trade school rather than a university, may require licensing, more likely to be self-employed, etc.

Sounds like massage therapy to me!

The truth is that no matter what we say publically, the blue-collared worker is looked down upon. The irony is that it's the blue-collar/skilled labor jobs that are probably the safest. They can't be outsourced to China, India, Indonesia, etc. You can't outsource your stuck toilet to a cheaper plumber overseas. You can't get a good massage via the internet no matter how good your connection is.

I heard a great interview with on Mike Rose on Public Radio's "On Being", hosted by Krista Tippett, about the meaning of intelligence. He talked about our assumptions and underlying beliefs about work, education, pay, value, and worth. He talked about how it came about, where it's likely to take us, and what changes we should seriously consider. He also talked about how it's shaped us a democracy and culture.

I found the interview fascinating and enlightening, especially in light of my conversation with my "white collar" friend. I am, by virtually all definitions, now a blue-collar worker. I have no shame or discomfort around that. Part of my belief system is that any job, done honestly in support of family and home, is a good job. One of my grandmothers took in washing. Another worked as a school cook. Blue collar is not so far back in my family tree.

Do you care if you're considered blue-collar or white-collar? Does it matter?

The Six Marks of An E-Mail Scam

I got my first e-mail scam as a massage therapist probably 9 years ago. It wasn't the last. The surprising thing is that I'm still getting variations on the same scam, all these years later! It must be working somewhere because I always thought scammers has more imagination than that.

Recently, the following e-mail was received by an MT in DC. Her Spidey-sense must have been working that day because she posted it on the AMTA DC listserve and asked for feedback. Here's the original e-mail:

To: [your name here]

Hello I am Pastor Jeremiah Williams of Christ Winners Ministry (CWM) after years of pastoring, we are slowly growing. I am focused and sticking to the vision God has given me, and humbly seeking and walking in His will and purpose. My desire is to be able to move in building more Churches soon but I am waiting on the go ahead from our Father. This has definitely been a year of revelation. However, I am appealing I have a member of my church who is suffering from partial stroke and complications of hypertension although she is from a wealthy family. After my careful search of the best and experienced healing Therapist in the U.S who will take care of her for proper massage to get her back to normal condition. Please I would like to know if you can be of help by becoming her Therapist and also to advice her best rehab hospital in the United States for proper medications. we will start travelling arrangements as soon as we hear from you. I shall be pleased to have your private phone number as to enable us discuss in the best way forward to handle her situation. May the peace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you always Pastor Jeremiah Williams

Submitter details:
Name: Jeremiah Williams
Email: pastor.jeremiahwilliams@yahoo.com
Phone: +233245003449

Let's use this classic scam e-mail to identify the 6 Tips For Recognizing E-Mail Scams (free to you as a loyal reader of this blog!).

...after years of pastoring, we are slowly growing. I am focused and sticking to the vision God has given me, and humbly seeking and walking in His will and purpose. My desire is to be able to move in building more Churches soon but I am waiting on the go ahead from our Father. This has definitely been a year of revelation.

This is not the way a normal e-mail asking about massage services starts. This scammer is starting with an emotional appeal. They are trying to get a personal sort of "hook" into you, as the reader, by appealing to the goodwill (or guilt) often associated with churches, religion, and pastors.

Think about it.....how many e-mail have you gotten from legitimate potential clients that start with a rambling personal introduction like this? Probably very few.

...I am appealing I have a member of my church who is suffering from partial stroke and complications of hypertension...

Double whammy here: the scammer is playing on an MTs inherent sympathies with the phrases "suffering", "complications", and then mentioning two common ailments.

Think about it though -- how often does someone who's suffered a stroke and hypertension think of massage as the response? That's not ordinary.

...although she is from a wealthy family....

This is the A#1 fer-shur mark of a scam -- the allusion to wealth, directly or indirectly. The scammer is trying to subtly tap into our greed. The scammer wants us to think "ooooooooh, I can make a LOT of money from this person!". If it's not the allusion to the wealth of the client, it's offering to fill your schedule for a week or 3 with an out of town dance troupe/sports team/tour group/conference attendees/etc.

Why? The scammer wants you to have dollar signs floating in your eyes. The chance to make above-average money will make many MTs forego their normal policies, including policies around payments, scheduling, healthy boundaries, etc.

(Side note: Interesting choice of language. "Although"...because wealthy people don't normally suffer from mundane things like strokes and high blood pressure?)

After my careful search of the best and experienced healing Therapist in the U.S who will take care of her for proper massage to get her back to normal condition. Please I would like to know if you can be of help by becoming her Therapist and also to advice her best rehab hospital in the United States for proper medications.

Blatant appeal to your vanity. They want you to let down your guard (as you preen your feathers in response to the flattery.)

Again, think about it...even when a potential client has heard rave reviews about you, do they use this kind of language in an initial e-mail requesting a massage with you? Probably not.

Another "tell" is the uneven-ness of the English (including irregular use of capitalization). Yes, there are many people in the DC area for whom English is a 2nd (or 3rd or 4th) language and who don't write English as smoothly as a native English speaker. But I have yet to receive a scam e-mail that was written in normal English.

...we will start travelling arrangements as soon as we hear from you. I shall be pleased to have your private phone number as to enable us discuss in the best way forward to handle her situation....

A sense of urgency. "...as soon as we hear from you...." The scammer is trying to get you to react to the e-mail before you have time to ponder it, think on it, or talk to anyone about it. Reacting without considering always leaves us vulnerable.

As a sneaky little add-on, there's the test as to whether they've hooked you or not: the request for your private phone number. Not your business number, your private number. This is simply a test to see if you are willing to violate your own policies and procedures, your own boundaries.

Email: pastor.jeremiahwilliams@yahoo.com
Phone: +233245003449

Finally, the contact info. In this case, the scammer is using a normal e-mail. Many of the scams I've gotten have had e-mail addresses that were just a little bit odd or were clearly from outside the US.

The "+" in front of the phone number means this is an international phone number (and remember, the "pastor" never told us where he was writing from). You can look up international dialing codes at any of these sites:

Wikipedia
Wikipedia Travel
Country Code.org


This phone number is for Ghana. Lately, I've been getting more scams from African countries. Of course, the "Nigerian prince" scam is an oldie but goodie in internet scams, so maybe that shouldn't surprise me.

I'm not saying you wouldn't get a legitimate e-mail from someone in Africa. Just know that a lot of scams are originating in Africa. The one I got last week had a phone number in South Africa.

In summary, the more of these "tell-tails" that an e-mail contains, the more cautious you should be. These can also be found in legitimate e-mails but the more of these you have in one e-mail, the more likely you are looking at a scam:

• Emotional-trigger phrases (like church, God, pain, abuse, suffering, etc.)
  
  
• Greed appeal (directly or indirectly) or appeal to the potential for making an unusual amount of money, including any allusions to the wealth of the potential client
  
  
• Excessive flattery or flattery out of line with what they can actually know about your skills
  
  
• Urgency. They're coming next week! They're ready to get on a plane now! They need treatment immediately if not sooner!
  
  
• Boundary/policies violation request. It will usually be something small and otherwise kinda insignificant, so you feel bad for saying "no".
  
  
• Non-US source, especially if it is from Africa.
  

The very best piece of advice I can give you is this: listen to that little teeny tiny voice in your head that says "this just doesn't feel right". It's correct 99.5% of the time. (That other .5%? Hey, even our intuition has an off day but I'll put my money on my intuition even at the risk of missing that .5%.)

Subversive Thoughts on Self-Care

I've learned some things about basic Kelly Self-Care from the last 6 months here:

• I really thrive on a couple of long walks (1-3 hours) a week.
  
  
• I like to take care of administrivia in the morning and creative work in the afternoon.
  
  
• Ideally, I do the hard-core creative work 3 (no more than 4) days a week.
  
  
• I love not having to set an alarm clock. I like to go to bed between 10 and 11 pm and wake up on my own between 7 am and 8 am.
  
  
• I'm done with my work "energies" between 6 pm and 7 pm at night.
  

Right now, I can mostly organize my days this way. I try to imagine applying these same learned "rules" to my life when I return to DC....and I run into a brick wall of resistance.

"But what about work?!?"
"What about making money?!?"
"You can't make enough money only seeing clients 3 afternoons a week!!"
"What about your clients who need to see you in the morning?!?"

And then I get panicky and/or depressed. It feels like I can choose to be economically viable or I can take care of myself but I can't do both.

While walking to the bus stop yesterday, a thought came un-bidden into my mind:

Can you trust?
Can you choose to believe that it is possible to both take care of yourself and feed yourself?
Can you operate "as if" it is true? Go ahead and set up your schedule and just...let things happen?
Because you know that's usually what it takes to make something new happen.....

And the answer is "hmmmmmm........".

(See what happens when you take a sabbatical? Subversive thoughts start taking over your mind!)